Sunday, June 2, 2013

Epic Fail

Planning always gets in the way of the reality of situations. Thoughts themselves maybe a type of reality. It comforts my aching mind to believe in possible truth. To think that in some dimension all the dreams I had created for my life come to fruition. It was almost a week ago now that life decided to do a 360 and spin out of feasible control. I used to be planning a wedding, expecting to have kids soon, willing to share my life with one man I thought I knew completely. These realities no longer exist except in the memory of my own delusions. 

As I look back over the last four years of my life, I draw a blank. Looking back at the pictures I can remember the moments in which they were taken. The joy, the pain, and all the simple instances in between. The waves of my own emotions flow in and out of my conscious experience. Now that I am older breaking up has become easier. I know the obsession passes and the relationship changes. This is the story of what is, what could've been , and what happened. 

What Is

My fiance left me four months before our wedding date. A date he chose than refused to do anything to work towards. He does not value all that I am. I at this point, could care less what he thinks of me. Today I stand a woman. I used to be a girl throwing tantrums because I wasn't able to self regulate, or didn't have as many tools to work with... and possible felt like there were things worth fighting for. Although fighting never turns into success in the end. Conversations and respect rank high on my must haves when it comes to being with a partner. Don't get me wrong I am still enthralled with the emotions of life and will forever value that. It is what makes me a good counselor, a compassionate friend, a passionate lover, and a brilliant writer. I just know better now about when and how to express them.

What Could Have Been

It is my preference to have a man in my life committed, working on common goals, and giving me adequate attention. Not offering it out to other woman like he is available. The reality currently is that I might not be ready for the whole package. Or so my friends and family keep telling me.  I am broken, unsure of my choices, yet at peace with the ever changing flow of life. I find it difficult to make decisions because I realize that I have little control over the changes life has in store for me. If timing is everything than the world might be speaking to me loud and clear. It all falls into place, maybe not the way we expect it to, but it falls none the less.    

Its strange how time can turn and take us on completely new journeys. I always told my now ex fiance that if we broke up, I have a plethora of men that are interested in treating me better than he was at any given moment. It was the truth. A truth that I probably should've explored years ago before he became my comfort zone. Which is strange because he rarely if ever made me feel comfortable. 

This last week has been beautiful. Rich with the possibilities. I have avenues I have yet to explore through my music, this hardship brings me inspiration. I am surrounded by beautiful energies that connect with me, so in sync with my own life force. Than I see him. Our connection still lingering through all the hurt he has inflicted upon me. A connection he chose to shit on with his own personal desire to find comfort in other women. I should've seen it coming. Ducked and covered. I almost dedicated my life to a boy who could've never loved me in the way I need a man too.  

What Happened

If I could say the words, your face would boil from the redness of your shame. If you could view yourself from my eyes you might actually consider making the changes that would better the existence of you and those you encounter. Who am I to say what you need, I have only been living with you for three years, observing, caring, watching your inconsistencies. I can’t believe that love can be so tainted by the foul of your deception. Took in my affection, led me to believe there would be time for relating. In the heat of my own confusion I wish to kill you out of my mind. Refresh the once excitable self, turning off the memories , locking each one inside their own filing cabinet to collect dust. 

I will loose the path back to where I met you. You take no responsibility for your actions. A boy trapped in a mans body. You claim maturity conflicting with your addictions. If you need to be angry so be it. I am pissed. Not because your gone and I need you, but because the plans we made, the hopes I had. They died along with the relationship you forgot to mention you had been long over and I shouldn’t have been fighting for.
I now give into temptations. Taste the fruits of leisure and lust. Act on my impulses. Yet still my stomach is in knots. Uncharted territory lies ahead. A large bed waiting to be filled with a warm body. It has been my pleasure to open the door to new experiences. It has been my pain pushing the screen shut on you. In the heat of my own confessions the patience gets lost. The higher ground I have been walking feels unsteady and I am about to fall and be eternally grounded.  

Without you, there are parts of me that have began to exit. It has been too long since I explored the depths of my own dimension. On my own. I prefer to have a comrade to idealize. Fuck you for being prepared to leave me in the dust without a second thought. As much as that body has been my nook to crawl into, right now I view it in disgust. A dirty temple filled by foul thoughts, in this game I lost.
Soon I won’t remember what your voice sounds like. How you smell. Your favorite things. Soon my life will separate me from what used to be and what is. What you do and how you act will be of no concern to my heart, to my mind. I will be free, free of my own attachment, my own stupidity.  Free from the ignorant thinking that your capabilities where who you are, that you were the man you claimed to be.

 All is well that ends well. I contemplate awaiting the end. For when it comes I will be free.     


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