I Lay Awake

In the depths of the night I lay awake contemplating my fate. A burning desire to make this earthquake as I wake up. Drowsily stumbling through the everyday. I need a mission to be the ignition to create the visions that come to me. Powerful being meant to be the queen of mercy. Never deserting the idealistic beliefs, that play on repeat, a hope I will answer the calling that keeps ringing. If only my fist could grasp the people I need, to believe in themselves, and in me. It was never about the one. It is always about the we. Living with a purpose is the only thing that can making living worthy. Striving to be better than our previous self. Healing the wounds that reopen every time the pain is felt. Strength comes from the time spent cut up by the jagged blades of the words that loose lips say.

I am a cliche. White girl wanting to sing like a black soulful beauty. Get famous to reclaim a stance on world peace. Light being of the new age beliefs. Rising frequency that I learned about in a place that is like home to me. Meditation through Eugene University helped to educate me. Working smarter not harder with a taste of the streets. White bird come to rescue those that are in need.  So you show me a politician who hasn’t got dirt on their feet. Smiling through gritted teeth hoping to make the difference, to change poverty. As for me It's not enough to build up an empire to conquer. I want to make an impact through changes that work. Raising the bar we set for the lowest creed of classless society. Understanding the holistic reality of how all our existance got to where we are at. With a vision on where we could be.

Positive progression comes in the form of our everyday ties. The way that we look at each other and tell the stories of this day to day struggle and stride. Call me naive but perhaps I have the faith that we need to take an idea, make it bigger than some fantasy. There is strength in numbers when you write it out strong. Demanding fair treatment and condemning the incarceration of people who need some rehabilitation. Rather than cement benches and lack of sleep how about we offer some mental health services to those who are in need. Family is a bigger picture of a collective community in which we look at those who are the weakest and hold space to help them save face.

The greatness that exists within cannot be destroyed. It is in the essence of the shared experience. The fear in us might make us want to wait but you know that calling isn't hanging up today. In the wake of these changes I keep pace towards the master plan, the way in which we demand, for humans to be treated humanely. Letting go of the judgements we’ve been taught to have. Learning through getting a clue. Realising that the only way to set us free in through you. What am I to do?

Separated from my ideals to survive. Frustrated because it's sad to see us settle for what is gives us so little inside. That is not how we begin overcoming the oppression that has become so blatant. As I age I get tired. Late at night feeling wired. Because this passion it won’t let me rest once again. I can’t live for a means to an end. With everything so backwards forward motion is the potion that intoxicate me. There is no easy way to find a solution to this gap of financial exclusion. Still as a warrior woman I intend to keep running my mouth so you all will hear me.

We are the revolution we need. Get organized. Believe that love is the bond that ties. We shall no longer abide to corrupt corporations for the pennies we are making. I can’t sleep because these real world dreams must come to fruition to change the structure that is crumbling. Intelligent actions must take precedent to take over a world that appears to me be mentally diseased. I hear the voices calling asking us what it is that we need. To be the change that will save the masses from their own ignorance. Money spent. Debt incurred. Sky high costs of rent. Still you aren’t any closer to knowing you. We aren’t any closer to seeing that we have to work together or we die off silently.

Misplaced desires will never elevate us higher. I am ready to let all of the power I posses to rest. Allowing me to take on another day in this darkness. Where can I start to help to solve all this mess. I am just one lady amongst the chaos of consciousness. In the back of the confusion a voice speaks clearly. You are worthy. A shaman. Meant to be here intentionally. Aligned with the divine. A goddess in your own right. Speaking your truth. Stop thinking about the problems and speak what you see. Look for the solutions and where they might come into being. I am right. Trusting the intuition of my own insight. We will come together and learn to unite. Because I and I. Stand as observers of one another. As for now I lay awake. Laying my head down in the heavy. In hopes that you can hear it break wide open. As we continue to plan. Won’t you all rise up with me.        

To Infinity

To Infinity 

All that I am searching for is you. In a thousand different faces. In every position I take. I close my eyes and imagine a future where you exist inside of me. Where my questions already have their response. As we are one, so we already know the answers. Inhaling, as you exhale, the breath of life is exchanged. It cannot go unnoticed. Deeply penetrating, as eyes are fixated, burrowing into these entangled souls. The level of understanding. That easily is part of our nature. Cohabitates joyfully in the gaps of silence. We have found a center inside. High above the murmurs of people talking so loud. Pining for our attention. Distracting us from ourselves. With a sideways glance, a slight caress of two hands, the pressure of needing to be on guard is gone. Doing nothing feels productive with the company we keep. The inspiration far outweighs the need to get up and go. Hurried and needy. Comfort like this is meant to be savored.  So sweaty and sweet. We have arrived beside one another separate. Laying, vibrating in the stillness where we merged into being the same being. Reflected in your essence I become aware. I am present. The blessings received from the output of this energy is like galaxies of our own creation. A never ending continuation, expressing beauty, too much for one mind to fathom. It takes two. Infinity equates to me mixed up with you. The us. The we. The pure joy of our journey which has no end. For without you I am not wholly me, and without me you are left in that search, searching.

Sun Day: A Momentary Experience

The feeling of permanence is a momentary experience. We convince ourselves that the outside world is a construct of our minds. Studying the colossal impact, of the viral nature, that some humans have. If we look closely we can see how to be different. Shape our own opinions. It's hard to believe I am comfortable with where this mind takes me. The heartache of the world often tunes into our creativity. We are born of purpose with true individual, indivisible, abilities.

The constructs of creation spin into my head eternally, for an eternity, while I gaze out on some sick beat. It moves me, motivating. Its perfect and beautiful but nobody can hear except my dome and the collective energy. The strange chemical reactions that we observe when it happen, makes a self expression explode like a heated erupting volcano. In the station of positioning, we have been conditioning, creating all said missions. We will take this new edition. Be a protagonist in the story perpetuate it forward. Embarking on a level higher than a rebel. Impact as we don't hold back. Make others better as we go.

A walking contradiction, is only a part of this projection. In the projects we keep making. We are what we're creating. I can see the visions, are you focused are you with it? In the moment we will find love too, love we freely send through you. Sharing strong connections excepting their conceptions. Talking and debating, because we like to voice these images we make. WE are awake. With new thoughts to bloom and grow.

We know what we know. We can hear what we say. We know what we need. We just keep perpetuating this waking dream. 

What is what we are? What is what we can believe? What is this reality? What is this place surrounding me? 

We know what we know. We can hear what we say. We might not be able to understand exactly what’s happening. I don’t know, what I don’t know. Instilled in truth I grow. 

In a momentary Experience.  

Alternative Fates

Alternative Fates 

Distance gets fixated on the future because it has no place to go. Must ride the horse, the pleasure, one last instance to give into the winds grip. Handsome lingers to keep a foot in the door, allowing the warmth of summer to kiss shoulder blades. Radiation from the nuclear storm creates anew. The first sight of nature breaking through the pavement, a reminder of hope. Relearning what is already known. 

The divinity inside a soul is carried through the waves of controlling expectations. Compounded and confounded by the good intentions propelled into actions that speak of family, a community, polyamory. Perhaps old fashioned morals are comforting to long held beliefs.

Desire flirts with taking actions. Too scared, truth hides behind closed minds. The keys could be pressed to extend an olive branch. Risk wasn't willing to take the chance. Attraction must be in an infinitive motion like the drops of water in the vastness composing one ocean. Molecules may never collide.

Hiding puts on tinted sun glasses, a barrier of shade, protection from what is needing to be saved. A shard of seduction runs directly into insecurity. It handcuffs the possibilities of breaking new ground. 

Turned around in the right direction with a positive ambition. The mission accepts unexpected second guessing. The house of cards are on the table as the coffees heat dissipates. Pain talks to pleasure until they decide to part ways.

On Time

On Time

The first time he shuffled into the classroom my heart stopped. Twenty minutes late yet the only thing that felt on time.  It was like a knife cutting through the monotony of the people that surrounded these four walls. Looking away as to not be detected, like a thief stealing a sideways glance. It took us weeks of missed interactions before the coldness of an open window made it possible for words to be exchanged. My mind argued before my lips opened as I saw his jacket covered in floral patches lying crumpled on the floor unused. Shaking from the harsh weather conditions, my confidence finally stood up. I made eye contact leaning over with a question. Normally words project out of the hole in my face like tractor beams to anyone willing to listen. This was a whisper. Every nerve ending flashed before the smell of his hippie perfume wrapped around my shoulders like the fur on some exotic animal. The smell was disgusting and perfect. I didn’t want to give it back. It lingered for months only in my memories before my life was again interrupted by his presence.

I was the trainer meant to be teaching lessons for personal growth. Insight on how to counsel the tormented souls of the homeless and mentally insane. The insanity sparked a connection that was ignited with a byproduct of philosophical conversations. Through the cracked openness of the summer that followed he would carry me on his back like a sack of potatoes. A child came out that had been hidden in the depths of a traumatic ocean drowning, flailing, losing consciousness. He resuscitated the trust allowing for light beams to shine their goodness into the broken pieces other men had left in the rain to collect rust. It was like molten gold that burned into my soul.

There was a gap between the closeness and reality. His eyes glazed over in a distance where he was unreachable yet lying next to me. To draw him back into us I would become a map that might guide him out of the valley so he could see the view from the higher point where I was loving.  Through a game of ticking or silent pleas that he might actually see me. It was morning a bird flew from my fence into the clouds. Attention turned against the hours we had spent discussing possibilities of future. Again the focus was on how I was not. Could not. Be good enough. Heavy is the burden of a man not ready for a commitment. The light bulb flickered as the door closed and engine started. The world taught me yet again that change is the only constant.

The merry go round of that relationship left a feeling of sickness in my stomach. The way his brown eyes matched his teddy bear hugs. Obsessively dwelling on the current space he might be occupying the anarchist in me want to break my own rules. I stay strong like the woman before me who have paved the way so that I have the right to work towards equality. At night in the darkness I still plea that the light might return and fill the gap that was created through miscommunication. The last time he hurried out of our understandings my heart stopped. I can’t help but hold onto the idea that he just might be twenty minutes late yet the only thing that feels on time.       

Passing Thoughts

Deep inside ourselves are all the experiences that have been downloaded into our brains. Some float closer to the surface and can impact world views. The way that we focus images, moments in time, can shape the reality that exists around us. With the physiological differences like eyesight, or a person height, a shared reality actually appears differently to different people. Beyond the body externally, the mind itself, has a way of shaping shared experiences. It affects what sounds you choose to focus on, for example the person talking right next to you or the song playing in the background. It also impacts deeper than the outer level into feelings you choose to acknowledge and those you disregard with ease. I wonder how present people are in their thoughts, in their world. Moving too fast, not processing fast enough seems to be the pace of many existences.

Relationships have no beginning and no end, once you have met someone or something, if its had an impact you, it probably changed you. Or better yet shaped you. As human beings, as the name implies, we are just being here. Existence could be viewed as a shared space, time, and interaction. We are only able to experience a similar experiences but no two are exactly alike.  As was covered by the example earlier, both from an actual perspective of how we receive information from the outer spaces surrounding our bodies, and ultimately our inner realms through brain processes.

Everyone get so wrapped up in the ideas they have about how things should be. Are we forgetting to actually be in the moment? More so are we unable to accept everything in any moment? The concept itself seems a little less than strictly defined. Being in the moment for my purposes means being free from emotions that are attached to the future or the past. The possibility of actually being able to do this seems far fetched. We have a lens in which we see the world through which is filtered with past experiences, and possible our future experience too. Our desires, commitments, dreams, fears, friends, hobbies, flourish when they are give attention. Especially a significant amount.

Balance of all that we are would need to come into full affect. This can be a difficult act to weigh correctly. Balance between the ability to be present absorbing the information that surrounds you, the signs, and the conversions. All the while processing everything that triggers in you, that you want, that you had. People once thought the earth was flat. Lines are easy to draw, they make sense, one start one end, no complex thinking necessary. However just as the earth has been discovered to be a spherical, circular; time and space might share the same properties as well. No beginning no end just constant change and rotation.

The mind is so powerful, it can keep spinning in a mental loop, masking the whole of any shared experience. People can hide truths. The self, our subconscious, can also be deceptive. Intuition could be one thing that counters this blindness. Acting on that intuition, trusting it, can be even more difficult than just continuing to let thoughts wonder. Support for our intuitive nature appears to come from within ourselves. Science teaches us to look outside ourselves to draw conclusions. In fact most of the time when we are looking inside ourselves we see differences from that which others have defined. Be unique yet stay normal is the mixed message society sends to us.
 

Epic Fail

Planning always gets in the way of the reality of situations. Thoughts themselves maybe a type of reality. It comforts my aching mind to believe in possible truth. To think that in some dimension all the dreams I had created for my life come to fruition. It was almost a week ago now that life decided to do a 360 and spin out of feasible control. I used to be planning a wedding, expecting to have kids soon, willing to share my life with one man I thought I knew completely. These realities no longer exist except in the memory of my own delusions. 

As I look back over the last four years of my life, I draw a blank. Looking back at the pictures I can remember the moments in which they were taken. The joy, the pain, and all the simple instances in between. The waves of my own emotions flow in and out of my conscious experience. Now that I am older breaking up has become easier. I know the obsession passes and the relationship changes. This is the story of what is, what could've been , and what happened. 

What Is

My fiance left me four months before our wedding date. A date he chose than refused to do anything to work towards. He does not value all that I am. I at this point, could care less what he thinks of me. Today I stand a woman. I used to be a girl throwing tantrums because I wasn't able to self regulate, or didn't have as many tools to work with... and possible felt like there were things worth fighting for. Although fighting never turns into success in the end. Conversations and respect rank high on my must haves when it comes to being with a partner. Don't get me wrong I am still enthralled with the emotions of life and will forever value that. It is what makes me a good counselor, a compassionate friend, a passionate lover, and a brilliant writer. I just know better now about when and how to express them.

What Could Have Been

It is my preference to have a man in my life committed, working on common goals, and giving me adequate attention. Not offering it out to other woman like he is available. The reality currently is that I might not be ready for the whole package. Or so my friends and family keep telling me.  I am broken, unsure of my choices, yet at peace with the ever changing flow of life. I find it difficult to make decisions because I realize that I have little control over the changes life has in store for me. If timing is everything than the world might be speaking to me loud and clear. It all falls into place, maybe not the way we expect it to, but it falls none the less.    

Its strange how time can turn and take us on completely new journeys. I always told my now ex fiance that if we broke up, I have a plethora of men that are interested in treating me better than he was at any given moment. It was the truth. A truth that I probably should've explored years ago before he became my comfort zone. Which is strange because he rarely if ever made me feel comfortable. 

This last week has been beautiful. Rich with the possibilities. I have avenues I have yet to explore through my music, this hardship brings me inspiration. I am surrounded by beautiful energies that connect with me, so in sync with my own life force. Than I see him. Our connection still lingering through all the hurt he has inflicted upon me. A connection he chose to shit on with his own personal desire to find comfort in other women. I should've seen it coming. Ducked and covered. I almost dedicated my life to a boy who could've never loved me in the way I need a man too.  

What Happened

If I could say the words, your face would boil from the redness of your shame. If you could view yourself from my eyes you might actually consider making the changes that would better the existence of you and those you encounter. Who am I to say what you need, I have only been living with you for three years, observing, caring, watching your inconsistencies. I can’t believe that love can be so tainted by the foul of your deception. Took in my affection, led me to believe there would be time for relating. In the heat of my own confusion I wish to kill you out of my mind. Refresh the once excitable self, turning off the memories , locking each one inside their own filing cabinet to collect dust. 

I will loose the path back to where I met you. You take no responsibility for your actions. A boy trapped in a mans body. You claim maturity conflicting with your addictions. If you need to be angry so be it. I am pissed. Not because your gone and I need you, but because the plans we made, the hopes I had. They died along with the relationship you forgot to mention you had been long over and I shouldn’t have been fighting for.
  

I now give into temptations. Taste the fruits of leisure and lust. Act on my impulses. Yet still my stomach is in knots. Uncharted territory lies ahead. A large bed waiting to be filled with a warm body. It has been my pleasure to open the door to new experiences. It has been my pain pushing the screen shut on you. In the heat of my own confessions the patience gets lost. The higher ground I have been walking feels unsteady and I am about to fall and be eternally grounded.  

Without you, there are parts of me that have began to exit. It has been too long since I explored the depths of my own dimension. On my own. I prefer to have a comrade to idealize. Fuck you for being prepared to leave me in the dust without a second thought. As much as that body has been my nook to crawl into, right now I view it in disgust. A dirty temple filled by foul thoughts, in this game I lost.

Soon I won’t remember what your voice sounds like. How you smell. Your favorite things. Soon my life will separate me from what used to be and what is. What you do and how you act will be of no concern to my heart, to my mind. I will be free, free of my own attachment, my own stupidity.  Free from the ignorant thinking that your capabilities where who you are, that you were the man you claimed to be.

 All is well that ends well. I contemplate awaiting the end. For when it comes I will be free.